Monday, March 02, 2009

Bub's Public Joke File Vol. 2


I would like to dedicate the folowing post to the recently murdered General Batiste Tagme na Waie of Guinea-Bissau. Hopefully this dedication will prevent any rash reprisals against the sitting president Joao Bernardo Viera.

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I think this is a little hypocritical; everyone loves candy when it tastes sweet. But, nobody likes candy when it is an accessory to rape.

If polygamist means many spouses and bigamist means two spouses, then that makes me a unigamist, which makes me sound like I like one-legged women or am racist.

Jesus walked on the water. I have to admit that is pretty impressive. But you know what’s more impressive? Four guys walking on the fucking moon. That’s why I am a follower of the Unification Church, it is my understanding of the faith that they thought it was pretty cool when those guys walked on the moon and they make real good falafel.

Whenever you see LSD in movies it’s always a gay old time, you see funny things and get a case of the giggles. They never tell you that LSD will tell you to murder someone.

In Kazakhstan, horse meat is a delicacy. That’s crazy right? It’s like if in America, they ate cows.

I went to the ‘12 items or less’ grocery line the other day. I had 13 items. I went up to the counter and the grocery clerk said I would have to go to a regular grocery line because I had too many items. I said, ‘What? Is this a racist grocery line?’ And the grocery clerk said, ‘Not officially’.

I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can, so I can, stare at crotches in jeans (either sex).

I did a bench press last night. I stopped when the homeless man yelled that he couldn’t breathe.

Where do all these Human Rights keep coming from? Weren’t they all covered when we decided it was fair and best to pursue the accumulation of wealth at the exclusive use of others?

I don’t know why ghosts are always doing laundry. Don’t they just have that one sheet with the holes for eyes? Can’t they just die already??

I always thought it was funny how Kremlin sounded like Gremlin. It would be like if White House sounded like the Russian word for ‘house that slaves built where currently resides a man of African descent whose ancestors were never enslaved.’

The three most linguistically diverse areas in the world have been the Caucasus Mountain region, the Highlands of Guinea, and Pre-colonial California. The least linguistically diverse? Terry Schiavo’s house circa 2005.

I saw this guy in the Ped. Mall the other day pretending to be a statue. I looked at him with quiet appreciation.

Two racists walk into a bar, one orders a beer, the other leaves when he realizes the first one is white.

And finally, I picked up a pizza from the pizza store the other night. When I brought it home I was surprised to find out that I had taken LSD and murdered somebody.

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