Friday, February 20, 2009

You Might Be A Redneck If...

By Bub

If you are mistakenly nostalgic for the Confederate States of America because you believe that the failed nation represents the rebelliousness that you have displayed all of your life, but in reality your contrarian behavior is due to stunted emotional growth and not political disputes over issues such as slavery and the principle of nullification.



If you love your wife and children very much but have trouble communicating your feelings, and when you impotently try to do so it results in your feeling hurt by the lack of response or even outright mockery of your feeble attempts at demonstrating love, and this causes great frustration, so much so that due to a lack of proper coping mechanisms, it becomes manifested by visiting physical violence upon your wife and children whom you love very much.

If you project your feelings of inadequacy onto people of other races, religions, sexual orientations, sports-team fandom, and people that have a general ‘Otherness’ quality as perceived by you.

If you prefer to listen to music about violence, criminal activity and derogation of women only if the composers of such music do not display qualities of ‘Otherness’ mentioned previously.

If you enjoy personally murdering animals in part due to a lack of empathy for other living creatures and in part due to the compensatory feeling of control and power it brings in an otherwise unpredictable and powerless existence.

If you believe that the use of the words arugula, antioxidant, and N.P.R., is the sole province of ‘faggots’.

If you succumb to the use of illicit drugs to alleviate the pain of existence AND have never consciously contemplated the pain of existence.



Or if you don't prefer the traditional commentary on the preferences and habits of the redneck and would like to know how you might literally be a redneck:


If you perform manual labor and are exposed to the elements throughout the course of the day, which during the summer usually results in ultraviolet sun-rays damaging the skin cells of your neck causing erythema which gives your neck a ruddy visage.

If you are a burn victim.

If you are a painter and you decide to take a nap either on the job-site or in the studio and during the course of your nap you accidentally knock over the can of red paint that is located such that when the paint spills some of it gets on you, including your neck.

If you suffer from a genetically inherited skin disorder such as lamellar ichthyosis that causes hyperpigmentation resulting in a reddish appearance about the body including the neck.

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