Friday, February 20, 2009

Save Darfur Now!

By Bub

Listen up Pal! Put down the Playstation 2 controllers and the glass after glass of cognac, and Designer Pog collections and take a trip into the Real world for a change. Here in the Real world we care about things. And I’m not talking care, the way you care about characters in the TV series The Hills or the way you care whether or not you’ll get into that club named ‘Boscos’ or ‘Roscos’ or ‘Bosquitos’ or whatever, where they pay girls to try to get you to drink expensive tequila. We care about things that are important. And nothing is more important than Africa.

Now, I know you’re thinking, ‘Africa? Are you talking about every single country there? Botswana? Cameroon? Certainly not Tunisia? Those bastards cannibalize their albinos!’ And you’re right, they do. When I say Africa, I don’t mean your grandfather’s Africa where un-sexy killers like AIDS and malaria ran amok. We have a new president and we have a new Africa to care about – Darfur. Now I know some of you will say that Darfur has been cared about already. That is not the case. At least not since Barack Obama has been president. In fact, Barack Obama is from Darfur. His grandmother owns a goat, and his sister’s husband is Chinese for Heaven’s sake! ‘Nuff said.

Anyway, we plebeians here that toil in the basements and boiler-rooms of your ivory towers, care about real human issues, such as Darfur, and the crisis and suffering. Things are so bad in Darfur that they can’t even afford those precious Segways that you drive to and from lacrosse practice every day of the year. Heck, their peoples have been so ravaged that the only person in Darfur that has heard of lacrosse is a 140-year-old shaman that’ll charge you two oxen to even tell you that it is the oldest team sport on the planet. Talk about suffering, these people don’t even have the freedom to sip ChaiMochaChinos at noontime in a local Border’s bookstore. All of their Border’s bookstores were burned after being falsely accused of witchcraft (except one that was rightly accused). And unlike Joan of Arc, they weren’t from some fancy country like France. They were in little old Darfur just minding their own business. That is until the US-CIA-neo-con-industrial-complex installed Pinochet, Baby Doc, Pol Pot and the Shah as dictators. Now it was everyone’s business, and you just turned your head and looked the other way. Pathetic.

Well, this isn’t Cop Land the movie, starring Sylvester Stallone and Ray Liotta. Actions have consequences here in Grown-up Land. And your actions are despicable. All you do is sit there snickering at all the birds feeding from your bird feeder, like you think you’re better than everybody else. Meanwhile because you’re too busy out buying bird seed, people in Darfur are missing out on the joys of Yoga and and hand-crafted beers. To call it a tragedy would be like calling The Holocaust a genocide. And you’re always saying what a tragedy it is in Darfur and how the Holocaust was a genocide. Well I’m here to tell you that what’s going down in Darfur is a darn-shame and Holocaust never happened!!! Until you come to grips with the fact that human beings can behave in such an inhumane manner as they are behaving in Darfur and have never behaved in such a way ever before in the past, then you will just be continuing to pull the wool over your eyes. Decent upstanding Darfuri citizens are being forbidden from watching On Demand episodes of HBO’s True Blood. Some of them don’t even have cable. To even talk about how horrible that is, is an insult to depth of human emotion evoked by such events. I can’t look you in the eye anymore; because I am too busy looking toward Darfur to see if it needs anything. And it DOES. It needs you. It needs you to shut up about those fucking birds and to start sending ipods immediately. If you don’t act now, the strictly metaphorical blood is on your hands.

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