Saturday, February 21, 2009

Movie Reviews of Movies I Haven't Seen Yet: Titanic

By Bub

Titanic is an epic film about the greatest love story ever told – between Jesus and that woman that wrote a book for the Bible that got cut during the editing process. Anyway, Jesus loved her so much, and for our purposes we’ll call her Julie, Jesus loved Julie so much that He wanted to take her for a cruise. Now, I know what you’re saying to yourselves – ‘Couldn’t Jesus just carry her over the water wherever they wanted to go?’ – and to that I say ‘You obviously have never been on a cruise’. Because, that’s not what it’s about. Going on a cruise isn’t all about performing miracles and being the Son of God, if anything it’s an opportunity to get away from all that bullshit.

So Jesus takes Julie on this nice cruise, probably around Alaska or something, and they’re havin’ a great time, they see whales, they see moose, they see that jerk-off from that movie who thinks he’s too good for the middle class and freezes himself in a camper-van, and Sean Penn is there. It’s idyllic. Jesus said He hadn’t felt that good since He was bathin’ all them hookers. Julie got kinda pissed about that and went below deck to the gaming floor to drown her sorrows at the nickel slots. A cocktail waitress comes up and asks Julie if she wants a drink and Julie is all ‘no, my boyfriend’s Jesus and shit’ and the cocktail waitress says, ‘well I don’t see him around here anywhere!’ And Julie is pretty pissed at this point and buys a scotch and soda and plays the maximum thirty-five cents. Neither pays off.

By this time Jesus is distraught. He calls his Mom for advice. She starts naggin’ Him about why He never calls for His father anymore. He’s like ‘I call him all the time’ and she’s like ‘Oh , really, well I bet Joseph would like to hear all about this Mister Big Man with His college degree’, and Jesus tries to explain that college wasn’t invented until fifteen hundred years after His death, but Mary was a wise old Jewess, and she could see right through His fancy party tricks and His manipulative good deeds, down to the bum that didn’t give His real family the time of day. Jesus said that technically they would go to hell since they’d die before the Bible was written, and that He wasn’t telling them to go there, that’s just how the cards would fall, and Mary hung up on Him.

So, by this time Julie had moved onto video poker. She was about to unveil the chest of a buxom screen figure when Leonardo DiCaprio shows up. He’s all ‘yea, I’m a high school basketball star; I do drugs and sleep with strange teenagers from the suburbs’. No woman can resist that. And Julie is not no woman. She falls madly in love with Leo as they hatch a plan to sink the cruise ship just before they make it to Juneau. It has something to do with an iceberg that owes Leo money from his days as a street-Keno hoodlum.

Jesus is beside himself, He’s been looking everywhere for Julie and even with His (Dad’s) omniscience, He can’t find her anywhere. He’s running up to people, telling them to drink his blood, trying to reattach peoples’ limbs that haven’t even fallen off, He’s all kinds of screwed up. But He loves Julie, even though He hit her a few times, He couldn’t help that, it was the way He was raised, and believe Him if He could’ve been raised differently to not grow up to abuse women, He would. But by now He’s just arguing with Himself and looking in every ballroom corner and boiler room on the ship for Julie. Unfortunately He didn’t think to look on the basketball court.

Leo took Julie on his private plane and they took off using the basketball court as an air-strip. The house band on the cruise ship inexplicably jumped over-board while playing their instruments. Leo’s friend the iceberg reneges on the original deal but instead tells the authorities that Jesus had tried to get him to sink the ship. The judge thought he would teach others a lesson and sentenced Him to ninety days in the county jail. During His time there He learned how to make crystal meth. One thing led to another and He ended up getting arrested in Thailand where there were uglier, unmentionable charges in addition to the manufacture and distribution of crystal meth. He was crucified there without ceremony and even Julie didn’t have the stomach to retrieve His body.

This was a powerful film. If anything it teaches you that if you love someone, don’t expect them not to be a meth dealing pervert even if they’re the Son of God. It also teaches you never to relax on a cruise because you never know which Hollywood star will crash his plane into your cruise ship’s twin towers just to do his best Howard Hughes impression. It’s a mad mad mad mad mad mad world out there, and the movie The Titanic makes it make even less sense.

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