Saturday, February 21, 2009

Chris Brown v. Rihanna: The Antecedent Dialogue of the Soon to be Infamous Incident

By Bub
There are persistent rumors that R&B and / or rap artist Chris Brown assaulted fellow R&B and / or rap artist Rihanna who he happens to be dating, or happened to date as it were. I know next to nothing about Chris Brown, other than the fact that he sang that song about there not being air around Jordin Sparks. Other than that he was as non-descript as his name suggests. I DID know who Rihanna was because 'Shut Up And Drive' was a smash hit in Iowa. I had also heard that song where the ladies in the back ground sing 'mamma say, mamma say, da Da Da da'. And I had learned that she was born in Barbados, was the first Barbadian to win a Grammy and is a Barbadian cultural ambassador to the US. So she seems relatively 'with it' at least compared with Mr. Brown who at the very least turned himself into the LAPD for beating a woman in public, if not Rihanna.

The following is how I imagine the conversation that occurred directly before the assault went. My dearth of Chris Brown knowledge has resulted in his dialogue being solely comprised of the titles of his singles.

Rihanna: Hey Chris, I’ve got something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.

Chris Brown: “Run it!”

Rihanna: Alright, I’ve been thinking, and with our wildly successful careers, well, my wildly successful career, and all the traveling and performing and the exhaustion, I’m just not sure it’s such a good idea to be in a committed relationship right now.

Chris Brown: “Yo (Excuse Me Miss)”?

Rihanna: No no, it’s not that you’re not a terrific guy. You’re great. You wear colorful t-shirts and dew-rags. And you droop your jean-pants the way I like. It’s just that… Oh I don’t know if I should say.

Chris Brown: “Gimme That”.

Rihanna: Well let me put it hypothetically, what if you were dating a girl who was always punching people, mostly at home in the basement, but sometimes in public, and it got really embarrassing and a little scary what would you do?

Chris Brown: “Take You Down”.

Rihanna: No, I don’t mean physically. How would you handle the situation emotionally?

Chris Brown: “Say Goodbye”.

Rihanna: OK! Now imagine that in that scenario I was you and you were that girl. What would you do then?

Chris Brown: “Kiss kiss”.

Rihanna: No. You’re not getting it Chris, I am talking about a hypothetical situation where I am me and you are a horribly violent, emotionally stunted jerk. In that imagined scenario, what would you do?

Chris Brown: “Poppin”.

Rihanna: Christopher, now you’re not even trying to make sense. Are you even listening to me? How long have you been tuning me out?

Chris Brown: “Forever”.

Rihanna: That’s it; I’ve had it with this. You think you can just blow me off and ignore my feelings and beat mail-order brides in your sadistic torture-chamber basement and get away with it. Well, as long as you have millions of dollars those mail-order brides don’t stand a chance, but as for me Chris, I’m through with you.

Chris Brown: “With you”?

Rihanna: What? Are you that mentally challenged personality that you slip into whenever you experience emotional extremes both low and high, right before you go over the edge and erupt into a violent rage?

Chris Brown: “Wall to wall.”

Rihanna: Oh, Chris, my sweet, sad, Romeo. Maybe I was too hasty. I was being rash. When I’m with you the pleasure of fame and riches and the thrill of being well received by a stadium full of strangers are but footnotes to the real Joy Of Life. I love you my dear! My love!!!

[Uncontrollable punching ensues]

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