Saturday, February 21, 2009

Catch Me If You Are Able Considering Your Underpriviledged Upbringing And Lack Of A Serious Education

By Bub

“I’ve been on his trail for years, but he was always one step ahead.” Detective Brazavich said to the camera.

“Now that we got him I do feel elated, but I’m just glad he wont be able to deceive anyone else ever again.”

It all started in 2001 when former Rhodes scholar and medical researcher, Karl Landley, walked by a Burger King fast food establishment in Bethesda, Maryland. He was on his way to his biomedical imaging job at the National Institute for Health when a fateful fall would change the course of history. Karl tripped over a Burger King shift manager who was sitting with her legs sticking out across the sidewalk, smoking a marijuana pipe on her hourly break. Karl got up, apologized then realized he never wanted to look at another electroencephalograph again. The next day he was waiting on the sidewalk in front of the Burger King with a marijuana pipe of his own when the shift manager came out for a break. This is when Karl began to spin the most gigantic web of deception ever spun by a non-arachnid.

He allegedly offered the pipe in exchange for a job as a bun-caramelizer. When the shift manager asked of his credentials he presented an extraordinarily elaborate forgery of his permanent record that made no mention of his undergraduate study at Cambridge or his medical degree from Johns Hopkins and in fact purported his highest level of education attained to be a high school diploma equivalency achieved by test.

“Something didn’t seem right straight away. All the buns were coming though toasted to perfection. There were no raw buns making their way though, no fingernails, no melted flip-flops, these are all pretty standard learning-curve mishaps. Karl didn’t have any. And it made the rest of the sandwich line uncomfortable. I mean, they were already working four-hour and forty-five minute days in burnt flip-flops, they didn’t need Rain Man on the bun-burner showing them up.”

Karl was moved to the fryer where he would work more independently and cause less commotion. About three days into this gig his façade began to crumble when he became the first employee in Bethesda Burger King history to make it nearly half a week at the fryer and not suffer a fourth degree burn. They knew he was a fraud. But he knew they knew this before they knew they knew. And he was gone.

After his job at Burger King it became clear to Karl that working at brain-deadening jobs was PCP and he was addicted and punching through hoods of cars in a KFC parking lot. He landed a movie-rental gig at a Hollywood Video on the outskirts of Baltimore under the alias Sean Paul. He spoke in an affected Jamaican accent and wore white-man’s dreadlocks. When customers complained of his stink he was promoted to assistant manager. The jig was up, however, when he accidentally let it slip that Tyler Perry was the worst person in the world. He was chased out of town by an angry mob. He escaped tarred, but not feathered.

The next pit-stop in Karl’s formula one race of destruction was at a Sbarro’s Pizza in the food court at the Concord Mall in Wilmington, Delaware.

“Yeah, this fella that called himself Shaggy Boombastic worked here for about two weeks. Things went sour after we noticed customers stopped complaining about feces being in the food. When I asked if it was him that stopped putting poo in the sausage, he distracted me by flipping the light switch on and off real fast. Next thing I knew, he was gone.”

His final victim was the Gas Works truck-stop chain. He started work at the franchise in King of Prussia, Pennsylvania, a suburb of Philadelphia, under the alias ‘Xhibit Pimpmyride’. He conned his way into a job as a counter-clerk by pretending not to be able to read and offering, unsolicited, a failed drug-test. He moved up quickly in the gas-station business. He got a job as supervisor when he was caught stealing cartons of cigarettes. Then, he was promoted to the regional office when he was found unconscious in the walk-in freezer after masturbating while strangling himself with a jumbo-sized Twizzler.

“What you’ve got to remember about these people,” Karl said remorselessly in his video-taped interrogation interview, “is that because they aren't of the priviledged class, they’re functionally retarded. I’m not just talking about the counter-clerks, I mean the supervisors, the managers, even my co-workers at the regional office, they couldn’t perform simple mathematic calculations like multiplication and subtraction. They couldn’t even tell time. If you asked them, they’d just complain that you made them pause the T.I. song that was playing on their ipod.”

Karl’s stint at the regional office didn’t last long. When suddenly several local Gas Works outlets began turning profits the hammer quickly came down on Karl. Luckily it hit the CFO’s thumb instead and Karl again made a sprightly escape.

Karl’s Trail of Tears ended shortly thereafter when he applied for a job at Batteries Plus in Redding, PA. He got lazy and forgot to erase the MacArthur Genius Grant he received from his resume. The Batteries Plus employee who took it from Landley immediately called 911 and Karl was taken in by a S.W.A.T. team in the parking lot.

Karl is now serving a life sentence in Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary. When asked the million dollar question, “Why on Earth would you do that?” Karl only smiles and says “Git (sic) ‘er done!!!”

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