Friday, February 20, 2009

Blago's Wacko Press-Confo: The Transcript

By Bub

Thank you for being here. I know you all have jobs and families to get back to so if you want to just go ahead and leave now, and not mention this whole thing, feel free to do so.

First, let me say that I knew this would happen. I knew I would be impeached. Some might even say that if I am ever found guilty of committing any crimes, that I committed those crimes ONLY in service of the public to show them what a vindictive mob the Illinois House has become. But the truth is, I have not committed any crimes (except for the ones previously mentioned in the spirit of public service). This is nothing more than a high tech lynching; only in this case the alleged pubic hairs on Coke cans are metaphors for soliciting bribes recorded on tape by the FBI. Members of The House have been trying to shove an apple in my mouth and toss me over the fire ever since the first time I did anything that fell under the legal definition of corruption. Even that I can understand, but these monsters want to lock me up for making Illinois a better place. Their hands are in the pockets of Big Breast Cancer, the Anti-Kidney/Liver Transplant Lobby and the No Jobs For Anyone interest groups. My hands are in the pockets of only those that can afford it. You see, if serving my state is a crime, and I have defined ‘serving my state’ in such a way that it is, then I am guilty. But I can’t think of another Governor in all of our 50 states that serves his/her state as well as I do.

So while I knew that they’d impeach me, I cannot believe that I have actually been impeached. I don’t know anyone who could have envisioned a House, with crucifixion on the brain and regarding justice only as an afterthought, that would be brazen enough to impeach a sitting Illinois governor for the first time in history, for multiple documented incidents of gross corruption. But again, this could only be expected. From the moment I began creating jobs, improving communities and literally saving lives, I knew my days were numbered. There is no room at the top for a humanitarian like me. Listen I’ve done a lot of horrible things during my time as governor, fired people for making mistakes, spent too much time coaching my son’s little league team, adopted one too many stray cat, solicited bribes. Punish me for those things. But don’t punish me for enriching the lives of every single Illinoisan. That’s not a crime, and as I understand it that is the only purview of this impeachment. So really it’s a win-win for me; either I’m not guilty, or I’m guilty of making the world a better place, suck it House.

What gets lost in this whole rigmarole over who’s impeaching who are the little people. I’m talking about all those folks who would be selling stickers of Calvin peeing on various vehicle logos at county fairs had I not saved their lives by appointing them to government office after their families had the courage to make large donations to my campaign. I’m also talking about little Harry Herzog who was stricken with a terminal illness and through my benevolence, learned to read. Now I know the Bum-ocrats and Re-Bum-licans in the House will say that Harry already knew how to read and died within weeks of his diagnosis. I’ve known that that is what they would say all along. It was to be expected.

But let me get serious here a moment. Do we live in a society where we just go around impeaching every Tom Dick and Harry that is trying to pull himself up by the bootstraps and provide his children a better life than his own? I hope not. And what if in the process of the betterment of one’s family’s status in the world a little graft is grafted? Is that a clearly defined crime? Maybe the House thinks it is, but my heart says it isn't.

Let’s look at history as a guide. Did they impeach Jesus after he made the world a better place? Well sort of, but remember it wasn’t Jesus or the Governor that were the assholes in that story it was Judas Iscariot and Pontius Pilate. Did the Chinamen impeach Confucious after he admitted to urinating in all of those soft-drink beverages? Of course not, that’s just something they do over there. They’re a filthy people. And what about George Washington? Did they impeach him? Of course not. Do you think for one minute that the Illinois House would NOT impeach me if I owned dozens of chattel slaves? Of course they would. Heck, if the Illinois House had their way the Cubs would be bowling for crickets and the Bears would no longer be using their hands to keep a football in motion, and the Bulls would be receiving universal health care. That’s not the Illinois I know and love. Lest we forget, what about the curious case of Bill Clinton? They impeached him for the crime of loving too much. How ridiculous is that? Need I remind anybody that in a little less than three years to the day of his impeachment America was hit by the worst terrorist attack in its history? Now, I am not saying that because of my impeachment airplanes will start flying into buildings again. What I am saying is that unless I am acquitted, Chicago will fall victim to a major terrorist attack. The blood will be on your hands.

I would like to close by excerpting a poem - Colonel John McRae’s “In Flanders Field”:

Take up our quarrel with the foe
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders’ Field.

In the name of little Harry Herzog, and all the victims of all the terrorist attacks that have ever occurred, may you take their torch and hold it high, and proclaim my innocence. Thank you, no further questions.

-Rod Blagojevich

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