Friday, February 20, 2009

Bird Qaeda

By Bub

One flew east, one flew west…

First they confound us by their murky Aves-Ovum ordinal origins. Next they defy God’s laws by reanimating themselves after being immolated, and then naming the worst city in the world eponymously. They peck our eyes out in Hitchcock movies. Then they cause the Iran-Contra scandal. Perhaps you remember their communicable kiss of death - Bird flu. Do you? Well, count your hatched blessings because over 300 of our Asian friends don’t have the luxury of remembering Bird flu because they were murdered by it. We have lost entire generations of the whimsically unstable to terrible and gory accidents trying to emulate their flight. Roadrunners continually dupe gold-hearted coyotes into committing suicide off our nation’s cliffs. And Tweety birds ubiquitously don themselves on the clothing of our nations most obese and toothless citizens. You thought it couldn’t get much worse?

You were right, it got a lot worse. In 2006 we were taken on the scariest ride of our lives with David Koechner’s master-performance in 'Snakes on a Plane'. Little did we know that this would be but a pale prelude to the ‘Horror on the Hudson’ we are just now beginning to understand. That’s right, as of Thursday evening January 15th, 2009 our nation is at War. A sleeper-cell of birds has committed the deadliest terror attack on US soil in history by downing an A320 commercial airline with 20,000 passengers* on board. There were no survivors (that I have personally heard from). They have finally attacked us where we live – New York. What is to come is in all likelihood too terrible to predict. I have been advised by the radio signal I receive in my cavity fillings to board up any and all windows I encounter, as birds are breaking into the houses of every first, second, third, and fourth-born child on five continents. There are reports off the coast of Hungary that bird pirates are commandeering ships and forcing crew members to sit on their shoulders. This is Armageddon, folks. The four horsemen are all geese. Big Bird is their Goebbels. Cut all communications, and detach all bird-feeders. Untangle any nests you see. If anything is more than an inch off the ground – shoot to kill. Not all of us will be spared. And those who survive will most likely envy the dead.


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